By Komlan A Aloysh
It was painful looking in your eyes and giving you, probably, the last hug. When I held you in my arms with my chin resting on your right shoulder, I didn’t want to let you go. When I gave you that last hug, I kind of absorbed all of you. I was grieving and felt like my life had come to end in some ways. And the worst part was when that sweet white woman’s voice announced on the loudspeaker that flight 346 was boarding. My flight.
Leaving you wasn’t the plan, and I’m sure you knew that. We talked about for three weeks, even before I got the visa. I didn’t want to leave Liberia. Liberia is my home. I had you and everything that anyone could ask for, as I explained that to you for those agonizing three weeks. I needed to come to the U.S. for my masters. I needed that. We had that in our plans; you also thought the same as well.
Communication between us has been at it lowest in the last few weeks. I don’t know why. When I called you on many occasions few weeks ago, it seemed to me that you didn’t want to talk, and when I was lucky enough to get you, you said nothing was wrong with you, yet you weren’t engaging in the conversation as you always did. It really bothered me. I am an ocean away, and you know why I am here, yet you don’t seem to appreciate or even acknowledge that. It made life hard for me, knowing that things aren’t the way they used to be.
I know you find it hard to tell me what is on you mind sometimes. That was always something you had few fights over. It is difficult for you to speak about what’s on your mind. I didn’t mind that because it is who you are, and I think it’s something unique about you. But Jacob, when you have someone with you, in your life, it’s important to share your feelings and thoughts. I am not holding you to that now, of course; I’m just telling you something that I think would be helpful to you.
I’m in the last two months of my masters. Things are hectic: writing thesis and wrapping up this prestigious internship at United Nations have been quite draining.
I have been thinking about a few things, and one of them is that I am not returning to Liberia after this program. This is what I wanted to discuss with you and that’s why i have been calling you for the past two weeks, and you’ve been ignoring my calls. I wanted to talk about it because at the time it was just a thought and I thought perhaps it would be good to speak to my fiancé about it. I thought deeply about it, but I needed you when you left me in the cold. And with the email you sent me about you moving on, I was broken when I saw that and that’s what I wanted to talk about.
I know it was via email and I didn’t believe that and that’s why I really wanted to speak to you about it.
Jacob, I am staying here to do a PhD at New York University. It is a great fellowship that I applied for and got it. I received the email last night.
I know you have moved on and that’s okay with me since you don’t want to talk about it.
With all my heart, I wish you all the best. I will try to find you when I return to Liberia for break.